My wife and I are in totally different worlds. I am ambitious and she has become 300lbs with no education.?
Monday, February 27th, 2012I love my wife but it appears we are in totally different worlds. My German wife was beyond beautiful, ambitious, and etc. when we first met. Five years later she has went from 180lbs to almost 300lbs. We have recently had one child but after the child she was 35lbs less in weight than before she got pregnant. I love her to death but I sleep in another room as it is painful to just look at her to include I do not want to have sex with her unless I am tired of pleasing myself. She has flunked out of an online degree program and refuses to go to a campus to finish her studies. We have many talks about raising our child to include have her understand the importance of having our daughter get the required shots. With the birth my wife had a cesarean so I suggested surgery and she refused as she has continue to tell me about the dangers.
Now I am not the smallest either however I have lost 20lbs and approximately six feet at 220lbs. I have changed my diet over the last year among other things. I am an university professor, published author, and received my doctoral degree at the age of 26 in computer science. I am the youngest doctoral holding faculty member in the college/department where I teach at. I have worked extremely hard to build a life in which we can both enjoy however I feel like I am the only one doing something positive. It is hard enough constantly debating that I do not feel I am arrogant because I state reading about items such as vaccines doesn’t make anyone an expert and to directly speak to those whom are experts in their respective fields for their opinions. And the weight is extremely hard it is hard to look at someone who has a stomach that hangs, rolls on the back that show in a shirt, and thighs that continuously rub together. She is only 28 and I am 29 thus I feel there has to be a method to deal with these problems. For those who comment walk with her, gym membership, dieting and etc. I have done all the above. We had a 24 hr gym membership in which is went 2x in a year. We relocated and had a gym membership in walking distance and she went 5x in almost two years. She eats only organic food however she eats too much food. I tell her she is beautiful and etc. and then when she had a serious talk for the tenth time her response was that well you told me I was beautiful so how come you don’t like me now.
If I didn’t have a child with her I would leave her but in my situation I would be paying lots of alimony and child support. The worst part is she would relocate back to Germany in which I would barely see my daughter and the impact I would have on her life then is minimal.
[In her defense] Now I have got to the point where I do not truly care to listen to what she has to say on most topics. She loves to give others advice about schools and tell people if they are able to complete programs…this is when I stop listening completely in public. It is hard for me to respect the advice that comes from her when she has flunked out of school. If we talk about finances I take full control of the conversation as I am the one with the MBA to include a MS in Mgmt. I can’t take someone serious about life decisions if they have failed in their own to include having no real concrete completed goals. I also look at tons of women but after hours of discussions and no changes I need at least something visual to keep me stimulated. It is so bad if we have sex the lights are off with a large shirt on. I know this is wrong but this is the only way I can somewhat enjoy this act. It is so bad I have stopped asking for sex and she comes begging to me approximately every 4 weeks. I know this sounds bad but some advice please. Oh yeah marriage counseling doesn’t work…they gave me the original advice to tell her how beautiful she is and that obviously back fired.
Oh yeah she is extremely jealous to the point she is calling everyone a whore on my Facebook who has some chest showing. The same photos she calls out are the same type she used to have when she was smaller with over a DD cup. It is to the point where she constantly goes on my Twitter to see if there are women she is uncomfortable with looking at.
Perhaps she should see a doctor… an actual MD…not a PhD
Sorry I couldn’t resist that one.
"My German wife was beyond beautiful, ambitious, and etc. when we first met. Five years later she has went from 180lbs to almost 300lbs."
So…she was fat to start with and just got fatter.
"I love her to death but I sleep in another room as it is painful to just look at her to include I do not want to have sex with her unless I am tired of pleasing myself."
Oh…nice. I bet that makes her feel really great! She’s probably feeling bad about herself and you seem to be intent on compounding her unhappiness.
"She has flunked out of an online degree program and refuses to go to a campus to finish her studies."
Perhaps she’s feeling undermotivated, lacks confidence, etc. Understandably, you find her lack of enthusiasm frustrating
"It is hard enough constantly debating that I do not feel I am arrogant because I state reading about items such as vaccines doesn’t make anyone an expert and to directly speak to those whom are experts in their respective fields for their opinions. "
Yes, but you have to remember, doctor, that the vast majority of people are stupid- they lack the ability to think logically and critically. Did you not notice her reasoning’s, or lack of, before you guys got together?
"And the weight is extremely hard it is hard to look at someone who has a stomach that hangs, rolls on the back that show in a shirt, and thighs that continuously rub together. "
Well appearances aren’t everything..
"For those who comment walk with her, gym membership, dieting and etc. I have done all the above."
Oh you’ve tried all that have you doctor? Well guess what, this isn’t about you. This has to come from HER. It needs to be her decision otherwise it simply won’t work. She has to accept that she needs to get into shape for HER. Not to please you.
" I tell her she is beautiful and etc. "
Yet, you are clearly repulsed by her..?
"her response was that well you told me I was beautiful so how come you don’t like me now."
She…makes a good point.She can tell you are lying.
"If I didn’t have a child with her I would leave her but in my situation I would be paying lots of alimony and child support. "
So, one of the reasons you are staying is the money aspect? Not a great reason to stay.
"The worst part is she would relocate back to Germany in which I would barely see my daughter and the impact I would have on her life then is minimal."
Yes, but you can’t stay with someone you are unhappy with for your daughters sake. It will be an unhappy marriage and your daughter will suffer. There is such a thing as air travel, doctor. You could fly out there?
"Oh yeah she is extremely jealous to the point she is calling everyone a whore on my Facebook who has some chest showing."
Insecurity.
It sounds like your wife is having some problems. For the sake of your relationship, you both need to be frank about your feelings. Tell her how you feel. The health issue is a difficult one, but one that needs to come from her. However, in a relationship, she needs to consider your feelings too.
Try and be understanding, rather than critical. Try not to approach the subject in a way that makes her feel even more of a failure, you’ll likely just push her more towards food.
Finally, it’s less than clear if you started out as the similar minded…ambitious, motivated, etc…and she’s lost that, or you were both poorly matched to start with. If the latter. Walk away now. Find someone else, let her find someone else. You can’t go into a relationship expecting to change someone to suit you.
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